Vision of a monster

Have I been a monster? After been thinking for a longer time there were four things that led to this thought.

I was in the forest yesterday and was in my shooting-range. I had my big gun and my little gun with me, but only used my little gun this time. This is a soft air gun, and don’t make much noise, which was what I preferred this evening.

I like the calm atmosphere over there, where I can think and talk to myself. I love that! It’s one of the best things I know. I have always been a dreamer. I want to have more time to do this, to occupy myself with a hobby, and to think.

4 things I thought about:

  1. That things in life can change so much
  2. Sometimes it’s of extremely value to think over decisions that will affect your life to a great extent. Like what may happen if you take one of the two decisions for example.
  3. How easy it is to forget doing what you should.
  4. Why I have not thought thru things more thoroughly and said no when necessary.

Digging deeper

The fourth one is the one I want to dig deeper into. I mean decisions that I have made, that made cause for big consequences – Is it because I have not want to face the hardship of disappointments of other people? Or is because of laziness? Or just stupidity? But why be stupid if it will make life more miserable? Is it because I was yearning change? Maybe I felt so stuck in life, that I had to do something that will move myself in another direction, but I didn’t thought long enough to realize it can cause misery if I choose the wrong direction. The question I was then asking myself was if it’s better to move than being stuck. Maybe it’s easier to calibrate while you are still moving rather being stuck, like driving a car without steering power for example. If the car is not moving, it’s going to be hard to move the steering wheel, but as long as you move, it’s much easier.

What happened when I got home?

First, not much of this kind of thinking. I had to do the things that involves being a father to a 10 months old. But then later I watched a Jordan Peterson lecture on YouTube about realizing that being a monster is better than not to realize being a monster, or to pretend that you are not monster. This I felt like a very interesting concept that made me once again think, thinking of the history of my life, have I been a monster, am I now, and how could I apply to this concept in the future. I mean, is this something I should strive for, being more like a monster?

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